My coworker just lost her father, and I don't know what to write.

What to write, by how well you know them

Match the length to the relationship. A rule of thumb, not a rule:

- Someone you barely know, from another team or new to the company: one or two sentences. “I was so sorry to hear about your father. I'm thinking of you and your family.” - A colleague you work with every day: three or four sentences with something personal in them. “I'm so sorry about your dad. I only met Luis once, when he brought you lunch and told me you'd been organizing the family since you were four. I've got your Thursday call covered, so please don't give it a thought.” - Your direct report, if you're the manager: warm first, practical second. “I'm so sorry about your father, Dana. Take the time you need. I've moved your meetings this week, and HR will be in touch about leave, so there's nothing for you to sort out right now.” Check with HR what leave applies before you mention it, and don't promise a number of days you haven't confirmed. - From the whole team, in one card: a shared line at the top, such as “We're all so sorry for your loss, Dana. Everyone on the third floor is thinking of you,” then each person adds a short line and their name.

If the person who died was your coworker, write to their family instead: who you are, how you knew them, and one specific memory from work. “Your mother trained me in my first month and never once made me feel slow” tells a family something they may not have known.

Lines for different losses

Use these as starting points and change them to fit what you know. Include a memory only if it is true.

- A parent: “I'm so sorry about your mom. I know how much you looked forward to your Sunday calls with her.” - A husband, wife or partner: keep it short and steady, and make the offer concrete. “I'm so sorry about Mark. I'm here, and I've taken over the vendor reviews for the next two weeks.” - A grandparent: don't treat it as a smaller loss. “I'm sorry about your grandmother. I remember you telling me she taught you to drive in a supermarket parking lot.” - A brother or sister: “I'm so sorry about your brother. Thinking of you and your family.” - An in-law: “I was sorry to hear about your father-in-law. Please pass my condolences to your partner.” - A sudden death, or the death of a child: the shortest version is the right one. “I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you.” Ask nothing.

Ending a chat message or email with “No need to reply” takes one more task off their list.

What to leave out

Lines that hurt are usually meant kindly. These are the ones to cut:

- How the person died, or any question about it. - “I know how you feel.” Even if you've lost a parent too, their loss is theirs. - “Everything happens for a reason”, “He's in a better place”, “At least he's not suffering” and anything else that starts with “at least”. Unless you know your coworker holds that belief, these can sting. - Religious words such as “praying for you”, unless you share the faith and know they're welcome. - “Let me know if you need anything.” It hands them the job of asking. Offer one thing instead: covering a call, watching the shared inbox, dropping off a meal. - Anything about work: deadlines, handovers, “when are you back”. If you're covering something, say it's covered and stop. - Your own story of loss, unless you're close and it fits in one sentence. - Stock lines: “words cannot express”, “during this difficult time” and, in an email, “I hope this message finds you well”. HidenGPT's red pen catches that last opener, along with phrases such as “a testament to” and “a beacon of”, but read for the rest yourself.

One more: write privately. A reply-all or a post in a busy team channel turns a private loss into a thread, unless your coworker shared the news there and invited replies.

Channel, timing and the day they come back

A short checklist:

1. If you chat every day, send a private message in the first day or two. If you're not that close, or the relationship is more formal, use email with a plain subject line such as “Thinking of you”. 2. Sign the team card by hand, and mail it to their home or hand it over when they return, whichever the team agrees on. 3. Don't expect an answer, and don't follow up to ask whether they saw it. 4. Go to the funeral or memorial only if the family has made it public or invited colleagues. If the notice asks for donations instead of flowers, follow that. 5. When they come back, say one sentence in private, such as “Good to have you back. I'm so sorry about your dad,” then follow their lead. Don't make them retell it at a team meeting. 6. Late is fine. Weeks later, “I'm late writing, but I've been thinking of you since I heard about your mom” is still kind.