We got married in September and we still owe 140 thank-you notes.

Example notes: cash, a registry gift, a guest who couldn't come

A pattern for each: the gift by name, how it fits your life, a line about them or the day.

- A registry gift: “Dear Aunt Lucy and Uncle Ben, thank you for the stand mixer. You taught me to bake when I was eight, so it feels right that the first loaf in our new kitchen will be made with your gift. It meant so much to look up during the vows and see you both. Love, Maya and Chris.” - Cash or a check: “Tess, thank you for your generous gift. It's going straight into the kayak fund, and you're invited on the first trip. Your toast is still the thing people mention first. Love, Maya and Chris.” - A guest who couldn't attend: “Dear Dana, thank you for the beautiful wine glasses. We missed you at the wedding and hope the trip went well. We're looking forward to raising one with you soon. Warmly, Maya and Chris.” - Someone who wasn't invited but sent a gift: “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Nguyen, thank you for the lovely frame. Our ceremony photo is already in it, on the shelf by the door. It was so kind of you to think of us.” - The officiant, wedding party or a friend who helped: thank them for the work, not a gift. “Jake, you wrote a ceremony that made both our families cry in the good way. Thank you for giving us that.”

Turning a spreadsheet into 140 notes

The note is only as personal as the line you feed it. Spend your time on the list, not the writing.

1. One row per household: names as they'd like to be addressed, the gift, one detail from the day or your history with them, and the use. “Thanks for the towels” becomes a note; “towels, she danced with Grandpa, beach house in July” becomes their note. 2. Ten to fifteen rows per request. That fits one evening of copying. 3. Ask for varied openings. A stack that all starts “Thank you so much for” reads like a form, and people compare notes at the next family dinner. 4. Mark which partner signs first, or alternate. Notes to your side can carry more of your voice. 5. Keep a “sent” column. The notes that cause trouble are the ones that never went out.

Shower and engagement gifts get their own notes, separate from the wedding gift, even when it's the same person.

Money, gift cards and gifts you'll return

For cash, checks and honeymoon or house funds, say what it's for, never how much. “It's going toward our first couch” lets the giver picture it. If it went to bills, “It's helping us set up our first home” is true and fine.

For a gift card, name the store and what you'll buy.

For a duplicate or a gift you've exchanged, thank them for the gift they chose, in one specific line about it, and don't mention the return. If someone asks later, tell them plainly; most givers prefer a gift that gets used.

Timing, handwriting and who writes

Handwritten notes on cards are still what most guests expect, especially older relatives. Email or a text works for close friends who would find a card formal, but don't mix both for the same person.

Timing: gifts that arrive before the wedding can be thanked right away. For the rest, a common rule of thumb is to have them all out within about three months; sooner is kinder, and late is still far better than never. A late note needs no long apology, just the thank-you.

Both partners can write, and both sign. Many couples split the list by side, which also means each person writes to the people they know.